I'm not entirely happy with the content I've been putting out these past two months. I've learned a fair amount about Alternative Voting and how much power the Queen actually has. I've learnt some stuff about the history of Gay Marriage and Civil Unions in the UK. One thing I still need to learn is whether 'learned' or 'learnt' is the correct past tense of Learn but by the time I finish writing this I'm sure curiosity will have gotten the better of me. I've learnt a whole bunch so this isn't a failure but I don't feel I've connected with my potential audience.
I'm not angry all the time. I'm not even angry a lot. Really, I can only think of two regular experiences I have that make me even a little angry. The first is an hour before my shift at work finishes. I'm feeling pretty angry then but I can't blog at work and by the time I get home it's become a mixture of relief and exhaustion.
The second is reading news online. I get angry at Creationists reading Pharyngula. I get angry at misogynists reading Feministe and its active verb sister Feministing. I get angry at the government reading Comment is Free and I get angry at bad journalism reading The Mail Online. I have places to go if I want to get angry at Videogames (The Escapist), Cinema (Rotten Tomatoes) or just Everyone (YouTube comments) but in every case the thing I'm angry about is up there on the web in a place far more people will see written by someone with a far greater understanding of the issues. Even in the Mail's case, where the writer is often the focus of the anger rather than someone to share discontent with, the chances are I've found this article through someone's response to it. I start writing something for my own blog and realise I've nothing to add to the conversation.
Here are some titles for posts I thought I wanted to write and then realised I really didn't. "The Census Campaign." "There Are Twenty-Six Bishops In The House of Lords." "Why Ellen Page is the best thing to happen to Feminist Cinema." "The Census Campaign." "Why James Cameron is the best thing to happen to Feminist Cinema." "Polyamorous Love: Where The Hell Do I Stand On This?" "Videogames as an Art Form." "The Census Campaign." "For the love Of God, people, read about The Census Campaign."
(The convention in British English seems to be 'learned' for the past tense and 'learnt' for the past participle so that should have read "I've learnt" both times up the top there. That's something I learned today.)
I don't have anything new to say. Perhaps it's worth putting someone else's arguments in my words to make me think about the issue. Perhaps it's just worth saying I support their cause. That second one would be true if more people read this blog, but my stats page suggests not a lot of people care about what I have to say. I know, this blog is only two months old, hasn't yet reached double digits in number of posts and I'm not exactly pushing it anywhere. A couple of nods on facebook and twitter, but nowhere beyond my online territory. My rationale for this falls somewhere between "I'm a perfectionist and don't want anyone reading my shit until it's flawless." and "I care far more about the opinion of strangers than I wish to admit and don't want anyone reading my shit until I can defend it." Either way, as much as I'd love everyone in the world to homepage this site, I don't want a larger readership until I'm comfortable with the direction this blog is headed.
The intent was to be angry, to give my words an emotional charge. That didn't work as I'd hoped. For me to be happier here, the intent needs to change.
The first post in this blog, the original statement of intent, is the post I'm happiest with. It's not angry at all. It's a lovely little tale of a time when I was young and lost and found a small place on the internet to shelter from the real world for a while. It's a story of growth and maturity, or so we thought since it seems maturing as a person does not mean shouting about politics instead of whining about girls. In fact, to jump from one to the other thinking it would instantly make my writing more worthwhile feels as immature as ever. Leaving LiveJournal was an important step in improving my writing, I have no doubt about that, but a complete paradigm shift wasn't the way to go.
There are some things that really do interest me, that I hope I could write about in personal, interesting ways and I think those should be the focus of the blog. Since starting this I've joined the British Humanist Association and some time before March 27th I really should get that post about the Census Campaign out. I've also spent a lot of time thinking about Video Games as an art form and as the future of entertainment. My opinions there are as strong - if not stronger - as my opinions on the monarchy. Certainly as much as I love voting and its systems (and guys: I seriously love voting) I have far more to say on the subject of Motion Controls.
The intent is changing. In time, when I think of a good one, the title will change but until then we can all sit here in polite silence, uncomfortably aware of the mismatch.
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